A psalm

It's funny to me that Psalm 25 has come up a couple of times in the past week. Once at church and once again when talking to my brother about my recent struggles that I am having. There is a beautiful section of this Psalm and it brings comfort to me when I read it.

Remember your mercy, O Lord, and

your steadfast love,

for they have been from of old.

Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;

according to your steadfast love remember me,

for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!

This section gives me hope. It was written after the man that God called," a man after my own heart". Which is funny to think about. Is that a man who is in the image of God's own heart, or who chased after God's own heart? Maybe both. The beautiful thing is that David is sinner. I am a sinner. David cries out for mercy and salvation. I do the same. David is restored. I have been restored; I am a new man My failures are nothing new to God. I realize that. Currently I am trying to fix my own problems. I want God to fix them, but I know that it also is a growing point in that I need to take actions in order to move away from these practices.

Bono once said, "That the scriptures are brim full of hustlers, murderers, cowards, adulterers and mercenaries used to shock me; now it is a source of great comfort."

Sometimes I feel like I can relate with that.

God, I need your help in restoring my life. There were consequences in David's life for the sins he committed and I expect nothing but the same, but really I want to be restored to you. I want to love you like I have in the past. I want to focus my life towards you, but I don't really know how. Lord, please pardon my guilt, for the sake of your name. Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing and unchanging love. Thank you, Lord for instructing me, a sinner in your way. Thank you for dying for me, and loving me, even when I do things that throw it back in your face, and disdain your name as I fail you. Thank you for love, even through the worst that I am. In this I pray in the name of Jesus, amen.

Monday, was a very interesting time. I got to experience something that I haven't felt like I have experienced in a long time. True worship of our God. Some friends of mine and I went share a Thanksgiving-esque dinner with a family that are missionaries down here in St. Croix. We had a good time eating and conversing, and then they pulled out the guitar, cajone and djimbe and started worshiping. I felt like it had been such a long time since I had worshiped God. I can say that we can worship God through praise at any time, but there is something special about having a more intimate group rather than a corporate time at church, at least to me. What I really loved with the genuine atmosphere, there was not production, no words to worry about, just people coming before the father and praising him. It was pretty amazing.

Yesterday at church the pastor talked about "leaning on your own understanding". I liked that because I felt like I have been actively doing that for a long time. He specifically mentioned Proverbs 3 which states:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 

and do not lean on your own understanding 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths

Be not wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones

So this is sort of a bunch of if - then statements. The ones that say if this then that. I feel like you can say that if you do something in particular then something is likely to happen. With this "equation" if you do the opposite then you would expect the reciprocate.

I did not trust in the Lord with all my heart,

I leaned on my own understanding.

I did not acknowledge him in all my ways,

and my paths become convoluted and tortuous.

I was wise in my own eyes, thinking that I knew what was best for me

I feared my own desires over the Lord's, and I turned to evil,

My flesh become burdensome and my bones were made heavy and weary.

In Matthew 23, Jesus gives some warnings to the Pharisees. One calling them whitewashed tombs, beautiful on the outside, but disgusting, and without life on the inside. How easy is it for me to do that. I look good on the outside; I seem to my stuff together, making good grades, "going places", but my heart has turned so far. I hardly recognize it. I look back and see my little compromises adding up.

God, please help me to trust you in all things. I know that I see the pleasure of my sin in the short time, but the burden of the sin that I run to is great in the long run. Lord, help me have your wisdom, allow the Holy Spirit to be active in me. Help me to listen to your words, and more than that to put them in to practice. Help me to bold in that, Lord. Forgive me when I stumble, when I turn to those old lovers for comfort, instead of running to your arms. Help me to remember who it was that filled the void in heart, and that you will be enough for me, my God.  

I am going through a difficult time. A dry season, if you will. I think that there are two types of dry seasons. One in which God turns off that "feeling" of His presence. Where he is there, but you don't feel him. The other is when you turn out the presence of God from your life. I am experiencing more of the latter.

It starts off pretty simply, letting little things creep in and out of your life. Jealousy and anger, well they are just little things that I don't need to deal with. Bitterness... well I'll get over it. Lust... just a little bump in the road, all guys experience it.

But slowly these turn the course of the direction in your life. Little by little they move like a current in the ocean pushing the ship of your life. You don't really see it, but you know it's there, and instead of tacking your sails, and doing something about it, you just drift. The problem with drifting is that you don't stay in one spot, you move typically in a direction you don't want to go. If you're in an isolated sea, then you don't have anyone to tell you just how far you're getting off track, until your completely lost.

That is where I am now. Fortunately, I have a compass, direction to tell me where I need to go. Thank God for that. I just feel powerless to get there.

The worst part is how this affects other people. Who knows how I've altered someone else's life due to this? I can see it, and I already regret the negative outcomes. I wish that in my darkness, I would at least have held to my principles. I wish I would have kept that darkness to myself instead of spreading it like a sick disease.

In Matthew 21:43 Jesus says, "Therefore I tell you, the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people producing its fruits." I feel like that has occurred to me, except that I have given it away.

God, I ask for your grace, your forgiveness. As often as I have done, please forgive me for spitting in the face of your mercy. For thinking that what I am doing will bring me happiness, and ultimately not trusting you with my life, for not trusting that you will not bring me happiness, but joy. Father, I don't know how to turn my heart to you, but I know that it longs for you. It wants your presence, it needs it, otherwise the hole that is there will consume me. Father, I need you to rescue me.