Yesterday at church the pastor talked about "leaning on your own understanding". I liked that because I felt like I have been actively doing that for a long time. He specifically mentioned Proverbs 3 which states:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 

and do not lean on your own understanding 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths

Be not wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones

So this is sort of a bunch of if - then statements. The ones that say if this then that. I feel like you can say that if you do something in particular then something is likely to happen. With this "equation" if you do the opposite then you would expect the reciprocate.

I did not trust in the Lord with all my heart,

I leaned on my own understanding.

I did not acknowledge him in all my ways,

and my paths become convoluted and tortuous.

I was wise in my own eyes, thinking that I knew what was best for me

I feared my own desires over the Lord's, and I turned to evil,

My flesh become burdensome and my bones were made heavy and weary.

In Matthew 23, Jesus gives some warnings to the Pharisees. One calling them whitewashed tombs, beautiful on the outside, but disgusting, and without life on the inside. How easy is it for me to do that. I look good on the outside; I seem to my stuff together, making good grades, "going places", but my heart has turned so far. I hardly recognize it. I look back and see my little compromises adding up.

God, please help me to trust you in all things. I know that I see the pleasure of my sin in the short time, but the burden of the sin that I run to is great in the long run. Lord, help me have your wisdom, allow the Holy Spirit to be active in me. Help me to listen to your words, and more than that to put them in to practice. Help me to bold in that, Lord. Forgive me when I stumble, when I turn to those old lovers for comfort, instead of running to your arms. Help me to remember who it was that filled the void in heart, and that you will be enough for me, my God.