I am going through a difficult time. A dry season, if you will. I think that there are two types of dry seasons. One in which God turns off that "feeling" of His presence. Where he is there, but you don't feel him. The other is when you turn out the presence of God from your life. I am experiencing more of the latter.

It starts off pretty simply, letting little things creep in and out of your life. Jealousy and anger, well they are just little things that I don't need to deal with. Bitterness... well I'll get over it. Lust... just a little bump in the road, all guys experience it.

But slowly these turn the course of the direction in your life. Little by little they move like a current in the ocean pushing the ship of your life. You don't really see it, but you know it's there, and instead of tacking your sails, and doing something about it, you just drift. The problem with drifting is that you don't stay in one spot, you move typically in a direction you don't want to go. If you're in an isolated sea, then you don't have anyone to tell you just how far you're getting off track, until your completely lost.

That is where I am now. Fortunately, I have a compass, direction to tell me where I need to go. Thank God for that. I just feel powerless to get there.

The worst part is how this affects other people. Who knows how I've altered someone else's life due to this? I can see it, and I already regret the negative outcomes. I wish that in my darkness, I would at least have held to my principles. I wish I would have kept that darkness to myself instead of spreading it like a sick disease.

In Matthew 21:43 Jesus says, "Therefore I tell you, the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people producing its fruits." I feel like that has occurred to me, except that I have given it away.

God, I ask for your grace, your forgiveness. As often as I have done, please forgive me for spitting in the face of your mercy. For thinking that what I am doing will bring me happiness, and ultimately not trusting you with my life, for not trusting that you will not bring me happiness, but joy. Father, I don't know how to turn my heart to you, but I know that it longs for you. It wants your presence, it needs it, otherwise the hole that is there will consume me. Father, I need you to rescue me.